You really coming over, don't trick.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
