1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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