Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
