1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize