Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
