I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
