All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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