lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
