If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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