Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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