my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
