Im at strip club and am horny
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
