i already hear my dad disowning me
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
