I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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