I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
