im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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