The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
not ubering you a puppy
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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