You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
