...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
