I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
