i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
