Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
