The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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