Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
