were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
a search helicopter?!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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