i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
