i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
