best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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