if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
