I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
