wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
