I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
