Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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