Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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