they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
