I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
