So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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