I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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