I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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