this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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