If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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