I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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