considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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