Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
