tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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