my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
