Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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