im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
