they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
