you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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