i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
