I seem to have left my pride at pride
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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