you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
